My 40th job application
To: Mr Eric Abetz
Minister for EmploymentBolgia 8, Malebolge, 8th CircleCanberra
I wish to apply for the role of statistician, which I presume to be currently vacant in your office.
I’m applying for this role because, in addition to being the 40th job
application I will have filed this month in order to get my dole
payment, your stated reliance on “anecdotal data” leads me to believe
the statistician role in your office would only be part time.
In fact, part time would be perfect, because I am a single mother who
can’t afford childcare thanks to your government dismissing the
Productivity Commission’s suggestion to divert Paid Parental Leave
funding into the under resourced child care system.
With keen time management skills honed from “seek(ing) a job of a
morning and of an afternoon”, I am confident my ability to pad work out
with meaningless tasks will be fully synergistic with a government that
has only been able to pass 6 legislative bills since coming to power 10
I don’t believe my complete lack of experience as a statistician will
be a drawback, thanks to your preference for “anecdotal evidence” over
I do, however, have wonderful experience as a lifter (but not as a
leaner). You should see how many reports stating Work for the Dole
schemes are counterproductive for welfare recipients and employers I can
lift and put in the bin. I won’t recycle them though. Only leaners rely
on paper previously used by honest taxpayers. That’s not me, Betzy. We
should totally have a team building session where we lift trees from the
Tasmanian forest (you know, the one we tried to “unlock”) and take them
back to Canberra to make more paper for things like “Real Solutions”.
Additionally, I have no formal qualifications as a statistician. I
trust this won’t be an issue because no one can actually afford
education anymore. I do know Latin, however, so feel free to have me
stand as your proxy in any meetings with Christopher Pyne. Most of my
Latin knowledge is based on prayers but I’m sure it won’t change the
outcome of our conversations.
In addition to Latin, I have great communication skills and can
answer most questions with a stock “there is no doubt that all the
social data tells us...” without referencing any of the data or studies
or even listening to the question. This skill really comes in handy and
also allows me to keep meetings to a minimum by saying “no”, “Howard
Government” or “LA LA LAAAA I can’t hear you” repeatedly.
With regards to salary, I’m used to living below the poverty line on
Newstart’s $245 per week, though I hear there is an extra $20
potentially available to people on the Work for the Dole scheme - just
the thing to help me afford the cost of living in Canberra where
starting rent for a 1 bedroom unit is $220 per week. That would leave me
with $40 a week to live on. Or should I just squat in that rental
Abbott doesn’t live in and cost $3000 per week?
Yes, of course, I would move for this job, Minister - I’m no “job
snob”. It doesn’t matter that I live in Melbourne - I know you believe
in moving for work because “where there are jobs available, you should
seek that employment, even if it is not necessarily the employment of
first choice”. Trust me, working for you would be my last choice.
I look forward to discussing this exciting opportunity with you further.